I find myself in a place that i haven't been in a long time. A season that has long been forgotten. For several years i have been consistently serving in ministry right along side Brandon. We have done it all together. Wednesday night services, meetings, camps, retreats, events,etc. My life was so busy pouring into others and doing "ministry" that I allowed myself to slowly slip into a place of spiritual emptiness. At the end of that season I had nothing left to give. I had begun to put ministry and the call on my life above spending time with the One who placed the call on my life in the first place. I was giving out more and more and not returning to the well for refilling. I was trying to survive on old manna. My foundation was cracking and then my world began to shake.
A little over a year ago, God called our family to South Carolina to take part in a church plant with some friends of ours. I was excited for the things God had for us here and was ready for a change. After moving here though I found myself in a place of questioning God. Asking him why he brought us here. What was the point? It didn't look the way I was used to. Everything was different and I wasn't okay with it. What I should have done was seek the Lord for peace and guidance but what I did was again turned to busying myself with ministry. I quickly jumped into the lifestyle that had already left my empty. Not only that but I was doing it all without a clear vision. I was doing it just to do it because it was comfortable. At the time it was my safe place. A sense of security in a time total transition. But through it all I still had an unsettling feeling. Like I was wandering through the desert without any direction and I was miserable. Thank God that even in that place he was still willing to meet with me. He was reaching out but I was refusing come close. Instead of embracing the changes he was presenting me with I clung to what I had left behind in Colorado. That was truly home and this place was just a temporary living arrangement. I began to become discontent and I distanced myself from all the people God had surrounded us with. I had hardened my heart to anything they would try to say or do for us. They were are just weird and different in my mind so therefore I wasn't going to allow them to speak anything into my heart. And still, God kept tugging and I kept pushing back.
Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend a women's retreat. I really didn't want to go but my friend Carolyn insisted that I go, so with a sigh I agreed. Before going I had resolved in my mind that there was nothing these women could teach me. Looking back I had actually hardened my heart to anything that God wanted to do in me that weekend. Praise God that He loves me enough to not let that happen. He quickly softened my heart and met me in the place of worship. He ministered to me and breathed new life into my empty soul. He showed me that I was hanging on to the past. I needed to let go and allow him to work in this new season. There are great things he has planned in my life but right now he needs me here to teach me. To speak new vision and refine my calling. In the busyness I had brought to my life I had lost sight of the importance of the restful, quiet times when God would speak to my heart. In His complete goodness and love for me, he has brought me back to that place. In the times when I felt abandoned he never left. The truth was that I had walked away from that place but He never did. He was there all along calling out and patiently waiting for me to return.
I truly believe that this season is my season of restful renewing. This morning I was doing my bible study and this verse stuck out to me. Almost like God has written it just for me in that moment for this time.
Matthew 11:28-30 "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. LET ME TEACH YOU because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
In my quiet time I could hear the voice of God speak to my heart. "Jacqueline, come to me. Rest in me. Allow me to give you new life. Let me teach you! I want to grow you. I have a great plan for you. Come and reconnect with me!" My heart was overwhelmed. I knew it was a word straight from God. He was calling me back to the secret place. He had never left but had been waiting for me this whole time. I know that God has a big plan for my life and I have a call to ministry and to lead. He wants to build me. He was calling out and now I am answering. I am choosing to take this time to rest in the Lord. To allow him to fill my cup to overflowing. He has my future planned out. I am thankful for the past and all that it brought and I am looking forward to the future but right now my heart is content to rest!
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